Sensory deprivation tank wasn’t even in my Amazon cart for 30 seconds before I removed it. I mean, I’m not crazy. Or rich. Actually I might be crazy but I’m not rich. Anyway, tanks now showing up constantly in Facebook feed, along with those old-fashioned claw-footed bathtubs—next best thing to sensory deprivation tank and only a couple thousand dollars. They’re practically giving them away.

Actually there are many reasons not to order sensory deprivation tank, of which only a few are:

  • Not crazy
  • Not rich
  • Husband probably too tall to ever use it so can’t justify it as Father’s Day gift
  • Husband possibly too extroverted to use it even if somehow he could fit
  • Probably illegal to stuff children into it even though for crying out LOUD they’d be perfectly safe, and it’s not like I’d never let them out again
  • Tank looks way too much like some kind of modern sarcophagus, and if I want to be creeped out looking at tombs and such I’ll wander around Mt. Hope Cemetery with my family for two hours as God intended
  • Not sure you can eat in there: eating is sensory, right? Eating is deal breaker.

Thoughts of sensory deprivation tank naturally lead to thoughts of Elba, which Napoleon evidently found confining, given that he raised a navy, like you do, and escaped. He wasn’t as short as people think. Rumors about his shortness were greatly exaggerated. English propagandists made him out to be short for, you know, reasons, and the idea just caught on. He was actually a good solid five foot six, average for his time, and that’s two inches taller than I am, and I can totally see finding Elba at about 86 square miles to be entirely too confining, especially if little people are following me everywhere and talking nonstop about Minecraft. I CAN’T HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT MINECRAFT, I JUST CAN’T. I FIND EVERYTHING YOU’RE BUILDING ENORMOUSLY CREATIVE AND IMPRESSIVE BUT I JUST CAN’T.

Looking at sensory deprivation tank one more time, just for fun. Can’t hurt. Facebook feed already clogged.