Note to self: Brilliant idea for movie, sure to be blockbuster! Everyone living in locked-down apocalypse, unable to leave home without risking exposure to terrible virus. SCRATCH THAT. No one wants to read about virus. Unable to leave home without risking exposure to giant man-eating hummingbirds. Crap, how stupid is that? Hummingbirds not scary at any size. Iguanas done to death. Maybe giant man-eating tapirs. Tapirs not done to death, scary if we add big fangs.

Anyway. People stuck in to avoid giant man-eating tapirs, self-comforting by constant baking (the people, not the tapirs), society rapidly running out of yeast. Bands of marauders going house to house robbing people of their remaining yeast. WHO WILL SAVE SOCIETY? Plucky young woman—okay, youngish—with just enough of a Napoleon complex to command a small band of resistance fighters seeking rumored cache of yeast said to be last remaining yeast stockpile in North America, located somewhere near Fleischmann’s Calgary plant. During quest they encounter said bands of marauders and convert several to cause, also encounter Canadian zombies bitten by man-eating tapirs and fend off zombies using jar of icky mixture of flour, water, and dried fruit—wait, why would anyone carry around a jar of flour, water, dried fruit? Iron wrinkles out later.

Reach hidden stockpile at great personal cost, losing at least three resistance fighters on way but not of course plucky youngish woman leader, only to learn stockpile has been ruined by freak flood of hot water from local… local reservoir of hot water, iron wrinkle out later. It is then discovered that jar of flour, water, dried fruit has MAGICALLY PRODUCED YEAST, crisis is over, and they had the answer in their pockets all along!

Pitch to Spielberg. But why would anyone carry jar of…what if plucky youngish woman leader carried jar around because it was found in kitchen of beloved relative just after beloved relative’s death but before lockdown, and therefore had sentimental value though plucky youngish woman leader had no idea originally that it was yeast in the making? And it has to be a jar that can fit in her pocket… IRON OUT LATER. Pitch to Spielberg now, before someone else snags idea. Hold out for Angelina Jolie to play plucky youngish woman leader. Jolie is deal breaker.